A Green Christmas Carol part one
In Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is given the chance to change his future. But what (great) expectations and choices do we have for the coming year?
Like Scrooge, we've been shown different futures. A world of ever-more severe climate disasters, or a world where we act to prevent this from happening. We need to choose which one we're going to take.
Here's a two-part vision for 2013 - first, where Scrooge continues to ignore all the evidence in front of him, and second where a newly-green Scrooge changes his ways.
Which 2013 will we get? Let's go all out for the latter...
A Green Christmas Carol - Part one
In which Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of Climate Change to come...
January- DECC announce an immediate Review of solar FITs, to be followed by an April Inquiry into the Review of solar FITs and a June Assessment of the Inquiry of the Review of solar FITs. In the interim, FIT rates will be set by an octopus in a glass box. "It's part of our new 'unreasonableness' test" says Minister. "If a company is not tough enough to cope with arbitrary changes to its financial circumstances every month, then it's clearly not cut out for business in today's ultra-competitive global markets. We are helping to weed out the weak early".
February: Three separate pieces of new research show that wind farms are being built by asylum-seekers, binge-drinking is higher in areas with wind farms, and feral EU windmill political correctness is turning our children obese.
March: EdF announce delay to Hinkley decision, says unlinked to news that cost of its new French reactor has spiralled again to £10 billion. Govt announces new "low-carbon assurety guarantee" which limits the liability of low-carbon power operators in the event of catastrophic disasters to a maximum of £17.50. "This is not a subsidy for new nuclear" says DECC spokesman. "It applies equally to all forms of low-carbon energy. A falling wind turbine could cause untold damage."
April: DECC and the DfT announce tough new regulations to limit pollution from power stations and emissions from car exhausts. Next day, HMT and BIS announce new regulations to permit fracking throughout the UK. Under the "one in two out" rule, tough new regulations to limit pollution from power stations and emissions from car exhausts are scrapped.
May: George Osborne goes to Svalbard for PR opportunity, and accidentally strangles husky. Meanwhile UK explorers find colossal near-surface coal reserves under retreating Greenland Glacier. Osborne is airlifted to scene within 12 hours and supplies badly needed strategic exploitation licence and tax break.
June: HMT force DECC to introduce a Fracking National Policy Statement, which prevents local-participation in any fracking planning application, fast-tracking all approvals. At same time new guidance sets out that no onshore wind turbine can be approved within 10 miles of any Tory marginal.
July: Poland and Italy force through ultra-weak EU Emissions Trading Scheme strategy which forces all member states to rip up national climate strategies. In a shock move, UKIP announces this is intolerable interference from the EU, reverses its position on climate change, and announces a ten point plan for completely decarbonising the UK economy within ten years. Droves of climate scientists quit academia and jostle to stand for UKIP in George Osborne's Tatton constituency.
August: Exploiting loophole in Emissions Performance Standard and Carbon Capture and Storage rules, Australian coal giant gets fast-track planning approval for two Gigawatt coal-fired power station in Wales. In same constituency, wind farm proposal is turned down as applicant has "not proved beyond reasonable doubt there will be no impact on the hearing of donkeys at the local sanctuary".
September: Shocking new research proves that offshore wind farms will funnel wind to create super-storms along Britain's entire coast-line.
October: Terrible hurricane slams into New York State. All commentators, NGOs, political leaders say "Climate change is happening now, and we must act". After hurricane moves back into Atlantic, media coverage is swamped with news Cheryl Cole is heading up Autumn's new Strictly Come Dancing line-up.
November: EdF announce delay to Hinkley decision, says unlinked to news that cost of its new French reactor has spiralled again to £11 billion. Govt announces new "financial interconnector" - a ultra-high speed 100 Gigabyte digital link between HM Treasury and Paris, for the easy and efficient transfer of UK taxpayers' money. "This is not a subsidy for new nuclear" says DECC spokesman. "All generators of low-carbon energy will be able to benefit equally from the interconnector, provided they are a massive corporation based in France."
December: David Cameron announces that "Planning is a critical part of our democracy. Decisions must be taken locally". Newly amended Annex E to subsection 3.16 of the revised Planning Act sets out that all planning decisions will now be taken by Eric Pickles.
But,next: A Green Christmas Carol, part 2... In which Scrooge cheers up and changes his ways...
Subscribe to this blog by email using Google's subscription service.